Never Pay Full Price for Fabulous!

Why hello there, Joplin here!

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Well, I’m not sure if my real name is Joplin, I’ve been called many things, but I was in the wild so long I’ve nearly forgotten my former civilized state.  The new humans are calling me Joplin, and they seem smart enough (I mean, they watch Jeopardy every night) so I’m going to go with Joplin for now…

This is my first adventure blogging so I thought I would borrow my new mom’s WordPress page. She seems too busy with the little human to notice anyway.  She definitely didn’t seem to notice when I ate her slippers, flip-flops, and bottle caps… Anyway, this past weekend was Legend…. Wait for it….. SQUIRREL! So, I wanted to share my adventures with the world.

Ever since I found these humans wandering in the park on a sunny Saturday afternoon I decided that I wanted to use them for their amenities. I mean come on, it is really too easy.  I keep quiet, look up with my big brown eyes, and voilà! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are served without me even lifting a paw.  Which is great, don’t get me wrong, that is why I followed them home in the first place.  I knew they were weak, they took in a mini-human for ‘Lassie’s sake!’ That thing is not even house broken! Come on, of course they love me.

So anyway, back to my story… breakfast, lunch, dinner…. Voilà! Perfectto! Extraordinaire! Just what I was going for. But you know, I can’t help but miss the hunt from time to time.  The fresh air, wind in my jaws, soft grass beneath paws… AHHH! Wild game: ehhh, it is so-so, unusually under cooked, full of bones, and no gravy to be found, but the food is not what I am missing— Just the hunt, the game, the catch, the DEAL!  And that brings me back to Saturday…

The humans decided to take me to the land of ‘Smart Pets’.  Having heard rumors of this land, I knew that this was coming, it was only a matter of time…  I had already proved my worth (pooping less than the small human), all they had to do was wait for the weekend, the time that their owners let them out to play.

So Saturday rolls around, we all get in the car, I stay calm, keeping up a facade of innocence…  Then, after a short drive, we enter the Land of Smart Pets!!  And don’t let anyone fool you, it is just as amazing as all of the rumors combined.  Civilized canine, EVERYWHERE.  Some are at the spa, some are in school, and some are shopping, just like me.  The humans let me pick out my preferred jewelry, bedding, snacks, and toys… They were a little pushy with the jewelry, insisting that I wear each piece for a set amount of time before deciding which one to purchase.  But in the end, I got exactly what I wanted: simple, sophisticated, and comfortable.  You know the classy, single banded collar.  No need for all that extra banding and bling, it only makes you look cheap, or worse, WILD!

So I patiently waltzed around the store while the humans tested the strength of my new necklace.  They even paraded me around the circus cats (crazy caged beasts!) and pups in training, just to be sure I had a snug fit.  I was SO ready to go back outside at this point, but Mom got all weepy watching the school pups…  She must have been remembering her former pup, how sweet he was, etc. etc…

So, I’m slightly annoyed, but still putting up a good front (classy isn’t cheap, and the humans are paying today) but that is when I saw her, ‘Lassie be’, she was a beauty,  I usually go for the dudes, but this lady could win anybody over.  I just had to be near her, it was exhilarating, she was intoxicating,  a Mastiff, a 160 pound Mastiff, right there in the store, right in front of me!  I knew I had to keep my cool, the humans were at the checkout counter, and soon enough we would all be outdoors, me with my new accessories, and that Mastiff in all her beauty!

Then it happened, just like that, it was all so fast.  I smelled her, she smelled me, we totally hit it off, but then I got a whiff of something ever greater!  Greater than the lady, greater than the hunt, greater than all of it combined… I could smell the DEALS!! Only 3 shops down, deals like you have never smelled before…

So I pulled and I squirmed, leaving behind my new necklace and stunned family.  I took off down the parking lot, past the pup professor, (aka: Trainer) past the sea of parking, past the traffic, and past all of the onlookers.  Mom and the Mastiff were chasing me, but I had much bigger plans in ‘store’!  They only thought I was running back into the wild… then BAM, I made a sharp right and then it was like ‘Lassie’ herself wanted me to get the DEALS — the doors opened up, without even a hint of an opposable thumb… There I was, in Marshalls!!!! Finally!! Brand name and designer fashion for the entire family.

“NEVER PAY FULL PRICE FOR FABULOUS!”

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So I ran and I ran, taking it all in.  Past the registers, under the clothing racks, back to housewares, and even into the children’s department (I thought mom would appreciate me thinking of the little one).  Then just like that, a friendly human slowed me down.  I could hear mom in the background yelling for someone to stop me.  I know she just didn’t want to spend any more money, but what she didn’t know was that I didn’t need to buy a thing!  Just smelling the deals was enough to last me a lifetime!  What a rush!

Mom seemed so worked up and out of breath that I thought I’d give her a break and walk slowly to the car.  She kept apologizing to the employees, she must not have known that their security cameras could make them rich on YouTube… oh well. Silly Mom…

What a glorious day!

 

 

 

 

I Don’t Want Your Candles!

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Is it the warm weather? Or maybe it is the bad economy? Or maybe it is just my poor assortment of Facebook friends taking over my Newsfeed. #hidepost

But DANG YA’ll. ENOUGH with the scented candles, costume jewelry, woven baskets, and makeup that I would rather buy at Sephora…

First, let me back up… if you are a promoter of these overpriced items sold via parties and the internet, please do not take offense. I get it, times are tough, selling SEEMS easy, and believe it or not I have a few items for sale myself… Granted these items are one of kind, made by me, and only available from me, but still… I understand how hard it can be to make a few dollars doing something you love. But really, you LOVE selling overpriced shit to strangers?? Maybe you do, and maybe I’m the ‘scent-less’ one here. (See what I did there, ‘scent-cy’, ‘scent-less’ get it??) Anyway, dear seller, there is a chance that I really like you as a person…I am just really, REALLY tired of your goodies invading my Facebook, email, and pocketbook. No, I’d rather not buy a candle. I do not wish to be a host, I do not like green eggs and toast!

Second, if you are my friend and thinking of inviting me to one if these parties, go ahead, I may even attend. But please, do note, if it were my choice I’d rather you not spend a week cleaning your house and recreating Pinterest catastrophes just so I can pretend to be totally into the latest fad that you clearly got suckered into having a party for. Let’s just drink some wine in your backyard and call it a day. It is very, very likely that I LOVE hanging out with you, I just have better things to spend my money on (ie. food, water, netflix, large underpriced candles, cheap unique jewelry, and real makeup).

I remember this phenomena beginning in my early childhood. I remember my mom, with a defeated voice telling me she had ‘another basket party’ to attend. She would say she wanted to see her friends, and I would think, so why not just call them up and hang out??

Now, as an adult, I can at least understand that it can be difficult to schedule a hang out with girlfriends. There are husbands, and jobs, and babies to juggle… But even still, does this mean that we should throw our money into the latest item trending on social media??

First it was the kitchen parties (full disclosure: I liked the kitchen parties) the items are not quite as useless, but still… Overpriced excuses to hang out. I just can’t wrap my head around it. Then came the sex-toy parties, really guys? (I mean girls) really? No one wants to order a sex-toy from your kitchen table, no one. Then the tables turned, and rather than needing a sex-toy, you could get a man with the latest lip gloss, zit cover, and/or wrinkle blurring cream. Puh-lease! Like I said, I like Sephora, where I can shop on my own terms, try it on, and even leave without purchasing. Then, worst of all, the jewelry parties. Maybe this one is the worst, because it is actually the best (most popular anyway…) It seems that a large faction of people sincerely enjoy this stuff. Call me crazy, but I’d rather not spend $78 to wear the same tiny necklace as my BFF. Enough already, Sephora, Lia Sophia, Stella and Dot, the list goes on and on. Which makes it seem like there is a big variety, but noooo, you still end up with the same necklace as Julie, Kate, and Sue because it is the only one you could all afford without over-drafting your bank account. And now… CANDLES, Really… CANDLES!?! As if a Yankee Candle fundraiser a wasn’t enough, now you expect me to buy this and not even support our local school?

Please friends, let’s just spend our money eating good food and drinking good wine. And if you feel like you need to make some extra cash by selling the latest trend, think back to how much money you could have saved it you weren’t guilt tripped into buying that $40 candle, $78 necklace, $15 lipgloss, $45 cheese grater, and $400 basket.

Just think about it.